The Nutcracker in 3D

4 Dec

Title: The Nutcracker in 3D
Year:
2010
Director:
Andrei Konchalovsky
Writers:
Andrei Konchalovsky and Chris Solimine
Starring:
Elle Fanning, Nathan Lane, John Turturro, Frances de la Tour, Shirley Henderson, Aaron Michael Drozin, Charlie Rowe
MPAA Rating:
PG, thematic material, scary images, action and brief smoking
Runtime:
110 min
Major Awards:
IMDb Rating:
6.8
Rotten Tomatoes:
4%

 

The Nutcracker in 3D is one seriously horrible film, and it sucks because it has Elle Fanning as its star, and Elle Fanning is, alongside her sister Dakota, Chloë Moretz and Saoirse Ronan my favorite actress under 18, and I can’t wait to see her shine under the direction of Sofia Coppola in Somewhere, which will be released later this month. So I hated to see her talents go to waste in this, a $90 million production that will no doubt go down as one of the biggest flops so far having made less that $100’000 in the U.S. to date. Not to mention that the film also counted with Nathan Lane and John Turturro, two seriously dependable actors who are given absolutely horrible stuff to work with in this film, a passion project from director Andrei Konchalovsky, who had made some very decent stuff before this.

So yes, I’m very angry at this film, and I just can’t fathom a reason as to why someone would ever think this was a good idea to get made into a movie. I mean, seriously, the mind that conjured up this shitty idea, and the people that were dumb enough to grant it such a huge budget will be lamenting the day they did it. A film that starts with a slight hint at the ballet it takes its name from and that then turns into a very creepy sort of children’s movie, the kind that gets your kids to have nightmares for weeks after they see it.

The plot was seriously weird, there are rats ordered by Mr. Turturro’s character to snatch the Christmas presents from kids and then burn them so that the smoke would block the sun and they could then dominate the world. Or something crazy stupid like that. And then Ms. Fanning’s character provides the resistance with her own present which is a nutcracker. If you were logical and thought a film in 3D, aimed at kids, released in Christmas was going to be a sweet affair, you’re in for one horrible surprise. This makes no sense at all.

I don’t know what else to say, I’m just angry at this film, and flabbergasted that someone actually thought this was a good idea, they put horrible lyrics into Tchaikovsky’s music, they had rats in silly uniforms acting on command from a weird guy to control the world no doubt reminiscent of Nazi Germany, funny uniforms and everything.

There is literally not a single good thing I can say about The Nutcracker in 3D. Again, the actors are people I sincerely like, Ms. Fanning is a very charming girl who seems to be super smart, but in a role like this she can’t do a thing to save this from being this disastrous, Mr. Turturro has a seriously crappy role, and Nathan Lane actually plays Albert Einstein, and not even him and his good intentions can make something good out of that, the guy even has to sing a song about the theory of relativity.

I imagine the paychecks these seriously cool people received must have been rather chunky, I can’t imagine any of them actually reading this and thinking it would be worth their time. And this is really all I can bear to write about The Nutcracker in 3D, this is, without a doubt, one of the worst films to come out all year, if not the worst, and one that squanders the talents of some very cool people, and that has seriously awful visuals and one creepy vibe coming of it, a hugely disappointing film.

Grade: D-

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